New Year

2012 was terrible. Probably the worst year of my life. Bad choices, lots of negativity and way too much loss. I lost an integral part of my family, friends, pets, romances and I was negative about everything. Until the latter half of the year, I was a sad sack and could not see the good in anything that was thrown my way, but that started to change a bit and I have remained tough and smiley, for the most part. I am hoping 2013 will bring more positivity in my life, better choices and more happiness! 

This article found on Thought Catalog sums up a lot of my resolutions for this year. A few other additions to my list include :

- Saving money.

- Go back to school.

- Cut out shitty people / be a better friend to the good ones.

- Keep in touch.

- Work even more. 

- Stay away from that "bitter, hawk-nosed Southerner from Yale" (Plath, you so aptly describe so many instances in my life) who eats your soul every time you see him. 

6 New Year’s Resolutions That Are Worth Keeping

DEC. 28, 2012

By RYAN O'CONNELL

1. You can learn how to say no to people. It’s actually quite easy, isn’t it? You’ll probably be surprised it took you this long to figure out but don’t beat yourself up about it. The important thing is that you got to the point where it finally resonated with you. You can start the year off as a doormat, as a “yes” man, and then slowly start to feel your resolve build. When I was younger, I didn’t know how to say to no to anyone ever and as a result, I spent my formative years getting taken advantage of by just about everyone. Then, seemingly overnight, I hit my limit and decided that I’m going to put myself first and cut the fat. My social life is now decidedly more anorexic than it used to be but I don’t mind. Now that I’ve learned how to create boundaries with people, everyone who’s still in my life is meant to be.

2. You can take more risks. Risks are always nice. It’s no fun being stuck in your ways, especially when you’re in your twenties, and still have a lot of insane living left to do. Risks = potentially amazing things happening in your life. No risks = no sex, no joys, lots of stagnant evenings in bed watching Netflix. Being high-maintenance doesn’t get you anywhere besides living a life that’s permanently constipated.

3. Stop being such a curmudgeon. There are cynical assholes born every second so why do you feel the need to add to it? Be kinder to people, don’t burn bridges, be more understanding. Is it just me or were people really behaving like dicks in 2012? I was so tired of the constant insults and outrage and annoyance. Take a chill pill, you freaks. You all have your iPads and your HBO subscriptions and dinner parties. Life cannot be the worst thing ever and if its, let me play a song for you on the world’s smallest violin.

4. Read more. Reading is like brain food and the more you do it, the more enlightened you will become. And no, reading Keep Calm And Carry Ondoesn’t count. Go read something less Soccer Mom Having Deep Thoughts At Her Book Club. (I know I said stop being a curmudgeon but book snobbery is a *thing* and always will be.)

5. Cut out the exes who make your bones ache and your heart hurt. Protect yourself against those who don’t value you as much as they should. Getting treated like shit loses its luster after awhile. People don’t tell you the truth, which is that it can actually feel good for an allotted amount of time, it can feel good to see how low you’ll go to feel recognized by someone, but then it just starts to reveal itself for what it is: you not respecting yourself enough to not get walked on all over.

6. Vow to be honest, vow to be ridiculous, vow to make out with as many people in dark bars as you want, don’t worry about what other people think of you because no one’s worth the decision to live your life on a low volume, stop freaking out about getting a full eight hours of sleep in fact never turn down a night of potential fun for sleep because can sleep give you a blowjob or make you laugh?, paint the picture of what you want your life to look like and do it DO IT DO IT. 2013 IS THE YEAR OF DOING. START NOW. RESOLVE THE SHIT OUT OF THIS.

So ...peace the FUCK out 2012. You sucked. 

XXXO. WHITTY KITTY

This is New Years last year...

here's to hoping it sucks less!

RIP MFS, DP, WG & DUKE

LOL :-) feat. Gucci Mane & Soulja Boy

A lot of things I do, I do with the intention of prohibiting people from speaking to me, ie: the ultimate sensory depravation system a la How I Met Your Mother -- GIANT hood up, EVEN BIGGER sunglasses (MK Olsen style), noise canceling headphones, coffee in one hand, P-Funk in the other ...and then you walk REALLLLLLY fast. That shows that you have someplace to be and can't stop to talk to ANYONE. Or you can avoid the creepy man staring at you on the subway. You do however have to take it off in certain occasions: you sit next to Paul Rudd on the subway, you are ordering something or you go into a store/are shopping-- DONT BE RUDE TO RETAIL EMPLOYEES.

 But sometimes, some of my schemes backfire. For example, I went to go visit my friend who is a bouncer at a bar because he was having a bad night and the plan was I would stay until the end of his work shift and we would make the trek back to our town. I had just finished an extremely long work day and was not in the mood to deal with predators that congregate at any sort of Irish pub, so I embraced the rolled-out-of-bed-to-go-to-a-twelve-hour-work-shift-which-half-of-was-spent-working-in-a-location-that-was-practically-outdoors (but I did consume the most epic sandwich ever from Subway---buffalo chicken, white american, lettuce, tomato, hot sauce, banana peppers ....holy nom) . 

This look includes: smeared eye makeup, no face makeup (me not bronzing the FUCK out of my cheekbones, what the actual f?) , ill fitting jeans, ACDC t - shirt with giant hole in arm pit, sneakers, ripped Hanes hoodie, scarf, and...the kicker-- imagine the highest possible hair do you could ever do, now combine that with Cindy Lou Hoo and you can imagine the intensity of how high this pony tail was. 

So I see my friends, normal. Have a beer, normal. Have one REALLY cool guy start talking to me and we talk about stuff I like: Dali, writing...not normal. Have a dude go up to my friend and try to get him to set us up, not normal. 

And both complimented the fact that I was wearing my hair like that. And that they liked ACDC. Etcetera.

Thank you gentlemen for enabling me to dress like a homeless person and not try. Although I was not in the mood to talk to you, I am pleased that dressing like a slob is socially acceptable and I will never get ready again. 

FREEDOM.

LOL :-)

Have you ever farted in a Christmas tree?

Last winter was a TOTAL and COMPLETE SHIT SHOW. I couldn't even tell you why, but it was one of the more ridiculous times in my life. Here are some examples. Ignore every single heavy Long Island accent. 

This was the best moment of my entire life. He scaled about 15 feet into the tree in the center of our town...the cops were actually coming. 



The beard and the hair did Mexicans. 
Jage bomb, tequila, car bomb. 
Bon Voyage!

The Roommate's Life Alert

A few months ago, someone unbeknownst to me, set up a fancy little Life Alert in my haus for the Roommate. It includes a giant box on my kitchen table and what looks like a Lindsey Lohan house arrest ankle shackle on the Room's wrist. It is necessary to have because I am not home very often and if something does happen, ie: a tumble, a rumble, a fall...the sherry runs out, someone needs to know. 

However, there has never been a serious issue and I don't expect there to be one anytime soon, but this thing does LOVE to have it's false alarms. 

Sometimes I think the kitties jump on the table and press the button and when that does happen, the Rooms is convinced and has vehemently stood by this sentiment numerous times, a voice comes out of the speaker and says "No, no, no, no, get off." For some reason I highly doubt that because every time I   have heard this scary box make ANY noise (I may have fucked up a wire or two during a drink marathon), it says ALERT ALERT ALERT. Also, I don't think whatever automated robot knows that I have two cats. Maybe one, but they don't have all of the knowledge in the world, jeeze. 

But ANYWAY, I get home laaaaate, late, late from work on Saturday night and before even taking off my shoes, I get a phone call from my seester and the conversation goes something like this:

"Whit, what are you doing?"

    "I just walked in the house from work, why?"

"Uh, Roommate's life alert went off, there's an ambulance on the way. Go check on her"

    "Oh this is uh, frightening..."

(It also may have taken some convincing on seesters part to make me actually get the balls to open the door..)

...I go into her room and she's asleep. I say "Roommate, hello!" until she wakes up and jumps out of bed, "OH hi, Whit! I was just resting my legs!"

Well. 

**KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK* Here comes the volunteer fireman from down the block. He comes in to see that there is no problem. And then informs me that an ambulance will be outside of my house due to protocol, but he will take care of it (thanks!). 

But I forgot ambulances have lights...thankfully NO sirens this time. 

But since it was Saturday night, the neighbors were awake and saw the lights and I had to deal with the questioning after. 

SO everything ended up being fine and dandy, but since I took an adderol that night and was sufficiently freaked out, I sat outside for about a hour chain smoking  and then attempted to sleep due to I don't know, work at a stupid early hour and no sleep the previous night (I was being an angel), that didn't work out too well. 

BYEEEE.

Ps. HOLIDAY RETAIL S00kS. But this made me <3 da holidaze.

Also, BROTHER AND SEEESTERFACE come home this WEEKEND. 

XXXo.

it's will.i.am and WHITNEY, BITCH!!!

There is one month until I turn 21 (haha, I know, I haven't been for like 8 years?) and Christmas is involved in there sometime, so I figured I would compile a list of the things I would like to (but will not be) gifted for these two glorious miserable days:

- 17 bottles of Jameson

- Hot glue gun

- Chip da Ripper to freestyle rap-narrate my life 

- Hot boy covered in tattoos to feed me gummy worms

- Dumplings with Sriracha 

- Andrew W.K. on December 30th

- Accidentally find 9 million DOLLLAs

- Hot boy with tattoo's equally as hot friend to make Jameo and gingers

- Books on books on books

- People magically decide to stop posting naked/ undie pictures on IG

- A popcorn frog

- Hello Kitty Chia Pet

- A reality show based on my yob

- Dance parties

- WINE

- Tatto0o0dles

- Find my iPod charger

- SNAPBACK

-35 pounds to melt off my body

(eating cans of potato bacon soup is TOTALLY HELPING) 

- Travel back to the 80's

- Desire to wake up and function (run)

- A normal sleep schedule ( why do I stay up until 8 AM?)

-Socks

But on the reals, I need socks. They disappear into the abyss.

SNAXSNAXSNAxX.

BYEEEEEEEEE. 

Thank you in advance for doing everything in your power in order to acquire these treats for me and my 17 other personalities. We really appreciate the attention and if you don't give it to us we will TAKE A BUNCH OF PILLS AND IT WILL BE ALL YOUR FAULT. 

name that show. 

I'll like you.

Maybe. 

the roommate's birthday

This post comes a wee bit late, but December 3rd marked the infamous day that was The Roommate's birthday. Of course I didn't wake up until noon, but when I did...she was no where to be found. I later remembered she had a doctor's appointment, which one of her lovely best friends accompanied her to. But also took her out to lunch at the ever so fancy, Chez Olive Garden (I'm trying to make fun, but I am so jealous (ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I WASN'T INVITED), because I love nothing more than their salad and breadsticks, omgomgomg laced with rainbows and happiness...). It made me giggle, because I remembered that this boy I met the week prior and was seeing that night, worked there. Because my mind finds random things such as: this situation, the fact that he worked at Olive Garden in general, and the opportunity that he could have sang to her , probably the most hysterical thing of all time (I'm bored with life), I immediately asked him how work was and how it was SO funny my Roommate went there today, also mentioned it was her birthday, which provoked a response "yo, man, was her name MARGE?! I hadda sing to her alone!" WHICH OBVIOUSLY MADE ME GIGGLE EVEN MORE.

**Side bar: he is also Ed Hardy sweat pants boy**

Blah, blah, so she was out all day, which was great because I was able to walk around and get shit done without being stared at by a zombie. You try to clean the floors and make enchiladas with someone staring at you and shuffling their clogs all day....

I DARE YOU. 

But then as the day went on, it began to feel more and more like it was MY birthday. 1, you already know I had the house to myself. 2. I cleaned the fuck out of it, which makes everyone feel better. 3. I went running and wasn't hungover. 4. Friends of hers brought CHOCOLATES and wine, which of course were shared with me! 5. I went to go watch football (eat wings & irish nachos &drink excessively & hit on some hot dude) ...good times all around. 

One of her neighbor friends (not one of the overbearing ones) came over and was chatting to the Rooms, and when she asked how her day was going, "It is just so terrible because I have no one and I am here alone always..."

I was standing right there, poor little neighbor, so awk to the waaaaard. So I went back to the wine...

The Roommate got shit faced like it was no one's business. I think an entire bottle of red wine (minus my glass or three) and a constant stream of sherry really did her in. 

All in all, I think she has a great time turning three thousand and five. 

xxO0o0o0o. 

BYEz!

I Slept Til 5 PM today...

...but the rest of my life has been going on. Here are some pictures, I spend a lot of my time on my phone & internet...obviously.  

These are pictures of me in my prime. I stand on street corners and drink Guinness & champagne, slutever.

This is also my sexy look. 

 Well, this was Sam Adams, but the other drank still happened. 

My cats are still my emergency contacts.

Look at this little diva bitch...

This bar was fabulous. The bartender was hot. No money was spent & THERE WAS A WALL OF STACHE!!!! 

 I was homeless(ish) for 5 minutes (aka I didn't fee like going home). It did lead to someone inadvertently bringing me lunch in the CUTEST BAG EVER. 

Oh, my friends are FUCKING awesome...and apparently always drinking.

I wish even I knew what that meant....

Nope. No medium. You're being nice. I would rather be closer to the actual shit than my ex boyfriends....

I still hate Christmas...regardless of how cute work is. 

But I would appreciate this as a present from anyone...

XXX0BYYYYEZZZ.

you're from the 70's but i'm a 90's bitch

My friends and mostly co-workers tease me about my constant search for a cute man pet to hang out with, but my immediate boredom & inability to deal with any sort of bullshit for more than five minutes prevent me from dating any of them for more than a few weeks and then instantaneous return to falling in pretend love with every other bartender or drummer I meet.  Because they do the things they are good at: drinking, music and uh, other things and DON'T HAVE TIME TO DO THINGS THEY FAIL AT, like, relationships....perfect match. 

According to Marky Mark, this is my theme song.

But then I try again. Maybe an older man will work this time I say. He has money and knows how to function as a real human being I say. He invites me to a "Burning Man Pink Pussy Cat Party," and I run away. There was also a scary text message involving a radiator and another involving death (in a non-threatening way, I'm being vague on purpose!), so yeah, I ran the FUCK away. I mean, it's not like I actually saw him since we met months ago, so I'm sure his feelings weren't hurt too much. 

Ew, and he was old. Remember that FACTOID!?

Try one more time. Hang out with the cute boy you met at the bar a year ago, it will be fun you think! It was fun the last time and it was this time too! Wow, weird! Meeting a nice boy at a bar! He says nice things and for once you actually think they are nice and don't tell him to choke on his own dick, like most conversations in your world usually end up. But then you run into him a few weeks later after many, many failed attempts to hang out and he ignores you. Your tattoos don't make you cute enough to ignore me, dick!

OR what about the cute boys that invite you and Princess LoLo to come watch the Giants game?! SO adorable. Get good reviews from your trusted pal. But then one shows up wearing ...wait for it...

WHITE ED HARDY SWEAT PANTS.

ED HARDY SWEAT PANTS WITH "ED HARDY" ACROSS THE ASS.

But anyway, yes, I realize I am incapable of putting in any sort of effort into maintaining a normal relationship primarily because I am lazy and self involved and apparently am actually kinda scary (see: "choke on your own dick" comment), but it is reasons like ^all^of^the^above^ that I am the waaaaay I are...I'm just a 90's BITCH and you all bore me. 

HOLD UP. Then you hang the fuck out at a magical bar, where all of the wonderful Jewish boys of NYC with black cards and perfect teeth congregate. That restores your faith in humanity for a few cigarettes. 

Thank you, Kaballah Monster.

XXO.

BIIIIIIIII!

All The Feels

I've been working and doing not much else, so here, some fantastical live music that will restore your faith in humanity and not hate everyone. Unless you're working holiday retail, then just shut up drink your coffee and look forward to the twelve margaritas and inappropriate life choices you will make later. 

The video Spotify created for this song is awesome, here is that too:

SPOTIFY SESSION

And I loathe the holidays, but this is probably the best rendition of any Christmas song ever.

EVER I TELL YOU. 

BYEEEEEEEEEEEEE.