Le Roomate

About 7-ish years ago, I moved from my cutsey little house that I shared with my family, into my Grandma's house in the same town. My dad had just passed away and my brother and sister were both off at college in Ohio, so it was just me, my mother and my grandmother. MAHHHHHGE...is her name. When I was in high school & away at school in Ohio, I was able to ignore her. But then I moved home. Living with my mom was great because she was the most awesome thing on the planet...a tiff or two every now and then, because unfortunately I am a raging brat sometimes, so I apologize a little to late to her for that, but the grandmother MAHHHHHGE, is another story. 

She is a born and bred New Yorker, a born "worrier," and born to only give a shit about stupid things, ie: fake charities, garbage day & ripping up mail. I swear the amount of mail for random Native American children I get and promptly throw away...is equivalent to 42 trees. EVERY. DAY. 

She isn't totally horrendous ALL of the time.. like when she tells me it is rotten without me around (boo work) or when we drink coffee & chat about fun things...but then she does things like,  bitch and complain about the food I cook, or stay in her nightgown, or make up lies, or talk to random strangers on the phone about personal information ETCETERA, ETCETERA....

She also hates Pollocks and blacks, but loves Jeopardy and White Castle. 
I brought home cupcakes one day, told her, but accidentally ate them all right after. She then ate a hot pocket and said it was the worst cupcake she ever had and told me to never go to that bakery again. 
GIGGLE.

She is a pain in my ass and tells me she doesn't care if I jump off the roof ..actually, quite frequently...

but ...this is le roomie and she buys the groceries.

So I'll live. 

The sherry is always plentiful and the hair is always fro picked

on 16.

XXXo.

I THOUGHT HURRICANE SEASON WAS OVER!

SO, this whole Hurricane Sandy thing was ignored by me, until I realized that it might be a bit of an issue. Work is closed, the LIRR is shut down, people are stabbing each other for bottles of SmartWater (THERE ARE NONE BECAUSE I HAVE THEM ALL!!), blah blah...I don't know how to prepare for these things/ think it may be a whole big crock of shit. But anyway, I am planning on securing the kitties in my bed with me for the next 72 hours as I intend to use these days off to aid my permanent state of exhaustion, I am stocking up on my fave beer & P-funks (holllllla pretentious drinks!)& gummy worms and I will set the roommate up with some sherry and shitty teen novels (her favorite!!). 

However, le roomie is already being a brat. Here's to hoping her 46 liters of sherry last her through the week (ish) of no power so I can hide from her in the lair. 

 Oh yeah. Forgot to mention my town might get eaten by the ocean/bay/whatever.

The calm before the storm.

If the world decides it wants to end, my pal and I decided our way out is driving a 1969 Dodge Dart straight into the Jones Beach pencil. 

Serious brother tells you to be safe. He knows what to do. 
He's a doctor. 

BYE. 

I am not as fine as I seem, pardon.

Everyone who knows me knows that the one thing I like more than snack & naps...is music. And music right meow, is limited to Twenty One Pilots. 

Skinny boys who bash the shit out of drums, jump off things, play piano, can rap and then belt high notes better than xxxtina create an epic duo filled with  part college-aged angst / lyrics that bring about some concern for possibly needed therapy, part awe of everything that surrounds them and part love of life ..defines the band that is equivalent to my musical wet dream. 

I am 98% certain that the real reason for my adoration of this band and reason for my belief that he will be my future husband, is the lead singer's endearing, epileptic dance moves. But the drummer does back flips and wears knee high tube socks, so it may be difficult to choose between the two. 

For real though, I appreciate this band immensely because they are one of the few relevant groups that ACTUALLY have depth. I really hate that fact that there is so much music floating around and absolutely nothing profound about it...NOTHING. Not only do these fellas create lyrics with passion and feeling and meaning behind them but they play and perform with such energy and emotion every single time. I have seen them play in front of 5 people at a shit hole little bar where I was the only person who knew who they were & saw them a month later at a packed out Webster Hall in NYC and each time they put on a show like it was the last time they were going to perform. 

And here is where my music snobbery comes to a head. They create such relatable music from an emotional perspective, not like some Taylor Swift-my-boyfriend-is-a-douchebag emotion, like the emptiness you feel when there is no music or when your mind runs rampant in the middle of night when you are sitting in your bed. And they somehow manage to not only sing about these situations, but they are also the exact music you want to put on while sitting in your bed slowly losing your mind to whatever demon is eating away at you that night. The mix of electro-synth, rock and roll drums, white boy rap and intense piano and vocals, are the perfect combination to wake you up, get you through the day or completely lose yourself. 

Here are snippets of both times I have seen them play. The video quality is poor because iPhones are stupid...and I think there was whiskey involved. Shh. 

Now I need to see them in an atmosphere like this so I maybe don't have to go to their concerts alone...awkies. 

I love them and you should too because your brain is  malleable and I'm worth listening to about somethings. I think. 

XXXO-WHITTY KITTY

I DON'T WANNA GO TO SLEEP! 

PBR & p-funks

As I sit here in my cheetah print boxers and 6.5 inch heels that I have absolutely ZERO occasion to wear, I am trying to figure out the last time I actually put time into a outfit or had a plan for a night rather than awkwardly rolling out of bed and smearing on extra eyeliner to go for a "teenage dirtbag chic" look. And the answer is ... I have no fuckin' clue. 

This is what I wear on the reg.

And by on the reg, I mean usually two days in a row because taking the train home some nights is stupid.

(I do usually prefer the drummer, I can spot them a mile away..it's a talent.)

Now this is what I WANT to wear for a night where there are plans. Like tomorrow. Sup gmail threads (are we middle aged yet...)? 

Mind you...I do not own a single item of what is pictured...Alexander McQueen, a bitch can wish! 

But this is what my clothing selection looks like (kinda...)so it shouldn't be too hard to recreate, right? 

What will be hard...is figuring out a costume to wear to a Halloween fiesta on Saturday. I'll probably be Ke$ha again ...

For that all I have to do is throw on some extra glitter and call it a day, EZ. 

XX

commute-ism manifesto

My life consists of the LIRR, working, sleeping and sleeping on the LIRR. So this is what I do: eat a lot of carb-y/chocolate-y things and drink a lot of black coffee from Perk, mmm...read...and continue my quest of becoming the most talented mobile make-up user... ever. EVER.

Somehow all of this SHIT fits in my bag. I get WAY too bored WAY too easily so I need 9289 forms of constant entertainment. I look a wee bit homeless and just a FYI, it is really annoying to carry all of this stuff from work > le bar. But I'm used to being that asshole who takes up too much room anyway. 

CUTEST NEW PHONE CASE FROM ... old navy. SLUTEVER. I am totally comfortable with being a 12 year old forever. 

BUG EYES.

whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed. 

But, I am always prepared and my purse will forever contain a toothbrush. Hygiene FTW. 

I have also realized that large bags are the #2 best way to keep people from sitting next to you on le train. The #1 way is to smash some ridiculously large and smelly item of food, ie: Subway sandwich, Moe's burrito, Chipotle burrito bowl (the difference between a burrito bowl and actual burrito is HUGE)...

#3 is to spread out ALL of your make-up on the seat next to you so everyone is petrified of the zombie-rific demon glaring at them whilst applying mascara. 

KISSES & THUGS. 

i like my coffee black just like my metal....

I thankfully had a bit of a break today but didn't get to sleep in as I hoped ... thanks to a 5:45 AM phone call from the brother who lives in Never Never Land. When I complained about said phone call, nothing was said except:

Perfect. Thank you, sir. 

I then spent the rest of my morning primarily playing with the kids, drinking coffee and eating about 12 donuts. I'm le tired, so I allowed the lounging to continue until I had to leave for work and my mother effing train was delayed because I'm pretty sure it hit someone or something but still made it to twerk on time, solid! 

I realized that my kittens are just furry versions of me and really like coffee and snuggling. I couldn't bear to move for about 45 minutes because Zulu fell asleep with both of her front paws and face on my leg, SO ADORABLE.

#catlady

#thisiswhyimsingle.

I splurged and bought two giant magazines the other night and read Elle on the train and it SOMEHOW kept me awake. This piece was inspired by Hannah from Girls in that weird Ask Dr. Blah Blah section that always has the most idiotic questions, but this was fab. 

The best rule? THIS ONE. Because, fuck you.

Right? 

#6: Never listen to your boyfriend when he complains that you're working all the time. Keep working.

I was told once that my job was taking over my life and I should start taking off more time to spend with what's his name... yeah. freakin'. right. 

Especially when my job feeds us cake. When was the last time you fed me cake!? NEVER! 

>>>>*<<<<

I leave you with a mysterious picture from the past weekend. Bourbon will getcha. 

XXXO.

smokin' in the boys room

The majority of males I have encountered in my life ... dress like total dipshits. There have been a few instances where exceptions were made, like when woah, Adam Cupcake had awesome dress shoes and / or braces ( British term for suspenders ..he would get intensely angry if i called them suspenders, but just so ya know...) or Cinnamon combines his Doc's with a PBR t- shirt & leather jacket, but usually, dudes look like a pile of rubbish. Like, what type of hallucinogenic led you to believe that wearing women's flared jeans or JNCO jeans were okay? Why do you think it's okay to wear running sneakers WHILE WEARING A BUTTON UP SHIRT?! YOU REALIZE YOU ARE IN PUBLIC, CORRECT? 

I mean, there are males who can get away with wearing jorts or cropped tops and by males, I'm limiting that to the members of the OU Rugby team or if you work at The Pub. more or less, I'm letting my brother continue to wear his strange outfits...

I thought I was just being picky (I'm not) when I thought a guy shouldn't wear a t-shirt on a date or that wearing striped socks with a bow tie (may be a little much, but SO cute) was like, swoon worthy...

but then Refinery29, a.k.a my favorite website on the planet posted THIS:

30 Fall Men's Wear Trends

and I nearly died. 

Everything and I mean everything on this post-- is what a dude should wear to make dem panties drop. Figuratively, of course. They still need to have a brain and nice hair and books and stuff. Duh. 

“We need to make books cool again. If you go home with somebody and they don't have books, don't fuck them.”
― John Waters

Some of my favorites:

I see some fells prancing around le city wearing some of these items, but they're usually foreign, so they obviously know what's up. NYC blokes, step up your game and DON'T BE AFRAID TO PEG ROLL. 

xxx.

snapbacks & snafus

Oh, damn you Spring Street & your beautiful stores distracting me and stealing my money and FORCING me to accidentally buy pretty new things ALLLLLLL the time (hence the snafu, le sigh....). 

No, but seriously. It was bad enough that there was a Pinkberry and two pizza places causing me to develop a second person's worth of weight on my bootay, but now my location has to torment me as I innocently stroll to the subway after a long day at work and I think I deserve something...today, I couldn't help but to succumb to the temptation of material seduction.

 If there's a skeleton on it, I need it. NEED. It's not even an option. I nearly have a conniption anytime I see platforms or rock t-shirts or leather pants, but when there are skulls, FULL ON FREAKNASTY MODE. So, I strolled into LF and bought this damn thing:

I did need a new bag....to prevent like, back pain and stuff. Whatever. Justification medication. 

Know what I also justify? Buying street falafel...and then ordering a pound via Seamless immediately after finishing said street treats. This was also after Hoagie Princess kidnapped me and some random N.Y. Ink dude (seriously.....hah, yet again, no, I do not know who you are, don't expect me to) decided mind eraser shots (chugs) were a quality life choice for the evening, so that may explain the immense desire for chick peas + HAUTE SAWCE. 

 But seriously, I am not entirely sure why these floor picnics are becoming almost a bi-weekly occurrence, but I am for sure not mad at it. 

I have also realized my friends will permanently be 6 years old....

..I just asked a simple question..

..and realized that REAL LIFE SUCKS, but being a horn dawg is natch...

..and realized now more than ever that Chip tha Ripper is just fuckin' awesome.

Cinnamon will even tell you so. 

I so wanted to put the 10 hour loop, but it cut out all the good parts ... so you're on your own with pressing repeat...over and over and over. 

>>>>>*<<<<<

This now brings up the eternal question: what is the difference between a snapback and a flat brim? 

I don't actually really care anymore, all I know is that I want this, I need this, I would marry this and it's on sale. 

Speaking of meow, time to go snug with the kids. 

Well, by that I mean, here's an adorable picture because I don't sleep, duh. 

 Zulu & Bronxy are straight up doin' just this: 

Forever grateful to the verbal genius who combined some of my favorite things into one: cuddling, rhymes and being a pretend hood booger!

XXXO

another day, another dosa

I have this habit of becoming INCREDIBLY obsessed with one thing for circa five minutes and ditching it just as quickly. However, the obsession becomes so intense and ridiculous that it is borderline pathetic. This pattern is heavily exemplified through my constant replacement of pseudo, pretend, I-think-they're-sane boycats, but most importantly FOOD. I mean, obviously there are constants that I will be obsessed with forever ( rainbow cookies, white pizza & chipotle nom <and Justin Timberlake>...) but as of recently, it's those DAMN FUCKING DOSAS from Hampton Chutney Co. These bad boys ain't cheap, but will I still get them thrice a week, yes. It really doesn't hurt that it is located about 35 seconds & a cigarette away from le job. 

I honestly think the only reason why this is happening is because goat cheese is comparable to crack and pumpkin chutney should fill fountains and we should all dance in it like the fat sirens we are.

 DO YOU SEE THIS?! IS THIS REAL LIFE?! 

chicken, goat cheese, avocado, arugula and wait for it...BUTTERNUT SQUASH. The best form of the most horrendously named food (and sport) EVER. 

This deliciousness + the company of little hoagie princess was pristine. However, why does it feel like a hour break from work is about 3.5 minutes long? Barely even got to get off my spiked out feet and I was back at the wonderful world of neon vomit. 

I couldn't even escape the music.

Never meant to be! Born in poverty! 

But gotta love Dianna. 

However, I will never listen to mo town in real life ever again. I think I have some form of aural PTSD. So I will cure that by listening to terrible 90's music and a whole lot of Hall and Oates. 

I also got called a 'shiksa' today. That was rich. I think I will wear that one with pride ... maybe. Maybe I should also sleep. 

xxxo

drunk like bible times

And my dose of honesty for today. I just found a candy corn in my bed.

And totally ate it. 

Why were you in my bed, mystery creature? 

I'll never know, but I'm so glad you were. 

I also like going out to dinner. It gives me the opportunity to smash delish things from places like 5 Napkin burger.

I went to this guy.

And ate the fuck out of deep fried pickles/pastrami (who am I?) and an avocado ranch burger 

>>pepper jack cheese, 5n guacamole, lettuce, tomato, ranch dressing, sesame brioche roll<<

which was SO unbelievably gigantic that I had to resort to utensils ...yuck. I paired this mouthmagic with some sort of wonderful cocktail with blackberries and El Jimador TEQUILA! 

>>>>>*<<<<<

I like wearing 6.5 inch heels. I'm totally cool with being six-foot-something and risking the wellness of my ankles with every step. I'm predicting a REALLY fashionable face plant sometime soon. 

I apparently just really like shoes.....

and being INCREDIBLY self-involved...

...she was a sk8r boi? 

I have no other updates besides everyday should include a mini cheesecake and everyone should really take the time out of their life and watch R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet." Your life will never be the same. Here's a happy one year to C. World ... let's hope we get dat cake cake cake cake at twerk this weekend, just kidding, I'll probably have a panic attack <3

XXXO--KITTY!

They have spoken. And they told me to not get ready in the morning and spend the rest of my night watching Clueless and eating Oreo's....